Why I haven't been around...

I feel like I owe an apology to anyone who used to read my blog. I haven't been around for a while and before then my posts were sporadic and short.

Life has been pretty tough for me since the birth of IQ in July 2012.

I was diagnosed with PND around 12 weeks after her birth. This was something I hid from my friends and family and a secret that me and hubby kept close. I regret this terribly. I needed people but I couldn't tell them. I didn't have the strength to reach out and ask for help. As a result, I was sad and terribly lonely most of the time.

I felt, and sometimes still feel, like I am living someone elses' life. Days would go by where I had no pleasure from anything and feel wracked with guilt when I did't enjoy my baby girl.

Each day she grows bigger, smarter, faster and more and more amazing. I do love her so so much but I find her hard. I find being a mum hard. Sometimes I find just being, really hard.

When I was writing my posts in 2012 I was kidding myself and my family that I was OK. Every day I cried. Every day I didn't want to get out of bed. But when speaking to everyone else, I was fine. It was easier that way.

But...

The days are getting easier. I am finding more strength every day and bad days have stopped being every day. They're now once a week, or even once a fortnight if I'm lucky.

I don't really know why I'm writing this but I feel like I need to say that I'm still here. I'm still reading your blogs and I will be back. Just when I feel a little more like me... ya know?