Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I gave up giving up...

I'm not proud if myself. In fact, I'm pretty damn disappointed in myself. Almost a year to the day ago, I stopped smoking but today it's all gone tits up. I thought I'd finally kicked the habit during pregnancy and never thought I'd go back to it. But I have and I'm beating myself up about it.

I feel dirty.
I feel irresponsible.
I feel weak.
I feel ashamed.

I'm just another 20 something mum, who wears trainers and pushes a buggy past in a cloud of smoke, fag in hand.

Yep, that's me.

I don't know what started it. Maybe it's the late night feedings, endless explosive nappies or the non-stop responsibility of being a mum. Maybe it's the feeling if loss if control, no direction or plain loneliness. Whatever the trigger, I needed to smoke. I don't drink as IQ is still exclusively breastfed so I needed something, a vice, a calm.

I'm not nor will I ever, smoke around my baby. I follow the rules of changing my smoky clothes before picking up my beautiful girl. I'd never dream of making her breathe my smoke. But yet I feel so irresponsible for smoking. I'm quite upset with myself but I think I'm making more of a big deal of it (in my head) than I should be.

I just need someone to say it's ok, that I'm allowed to have one once in a while and I'm not being a terrible mother by doing so.

My mother will kill me when she finds out (she inevitably will find out eventually, mothers know all).

3 comments:

  1. Don't beat yourself up! We all have our vices.

    Why don't you try electric ciggies? A few friends have switched over. Plus safe around IQ and no stinky smoke :) And yummy flavours!x

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  2. Try not to beat yourself up about it too much. When I got pregnant with Freddie I vowed never to smoke again, but on my first big night out after having him I ended up having one, and then one more... And then10 more! I was so annoyed, but then I thought that as long as it wasn't often and I never smoke around the children, then there are worse things. I have a few on a night out every now and again and don't smoke during the day. Maybe try and limit them until iq is in bed and have them as a 'treat' until you feel ready (if you do) to quit? Really feel for you, it's hard!

    Www.younghipandhomely.com

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Beckingtons! I think I was being a little too hard on myself! I have started smoking in the day but I'm kind of using it as an excuse to go outside and have 5 mins to myself! I'd never smoke around her so I can't be doing anything too terrible. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gave in :)

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