I'm not proud if myself. In fact, I'm pretty damn disappointed in myself. Almost a year to the day ago, I stopped smoking but today it's all gone tits up. I thought I'd finally kicked the habit during pregnancy and never thought I'd go back to it. But I have and I'm beating myself up about it.
I feel dirty.
I feel irresponsible.
I feel weak.
I feel ashamed.
I'm just another 20 something mum, who wears trainers and pushes a buggy past in a cloud of smoke, fag in hand.
Yep, that's me.
I don't know what started it. Maybe it's the late night feedings, endless explosive nappies or the non-stop responsibility of being a mum. Maybe it's the feeling if loss if control, no direction or plain loneliness. Whatever the trigger, I needed to smoke. I don't drink as IQ is still exclusively breastfed so I needed something, a vice, a calm.
I'm not nor will I ever, smoke around my baby. I follow the rules of changing my smoky clothes before picking up my beautiful girl. I'd never dream of making her breathe my smoke. But yet I feel so irresponsible for smoking. I'm quite upset with myself but I think I'm making more of a big deal of it (in my head) than I should be.
I just need someone to say it's ok, that I'm allowed to have one once in a while and I'm not being a terrible mother by doing so.
My mother will kill me when she finds out (she inevitably will find out eventually, mothers know all).