Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I gave up giving up...

I'm not proud if myself. In fact, I'm pretty damn disappointed in myself. Almost a year to the day ago, I stopped smoking but today it's all gone tits up. I thought I'd finally kicked the habit during pregnancy and never thought I'd go back to it. But I have and I'm beating myself up about it.

I feel dirty.
I feel irresponsible.
I feel weak.
I feel ashamed.

I'm just another 20 something mum, who wears trainers and pushes a buggy past in a cloud of smoke, fag in hand.

Yep, that's me.

I don't know what started it. Maybe it's the late night feedings, endless explosive nappies or the non-stop responsibility of being a mum. Maybe it's the feeling if loss if control, no direction or plain loneliness. Whatever the trigger, I needed to smoke. I don't drink as IQ is still exclusively breastfed so I needed something, a vice, a calm.

I'm not nor will I ever, smoke around my baby. I follow the rules of changing my smoky clothes before picking up my beautiful girl. I'd never dream of making her breathe my smoke. But yet I feel so irresponsible for smoking. I'm quite upset with myself but I think I'm making more of a big deal of it (in my head) than I should be.

I just need someone to say it's ok, that I'm allowed to have one once in a while and I'm not being a terrible mother by doing so.

My mother will kill me when she finds out (she inevitably will find out eventually, mothers know all).


  1. Don't beat yourself up! We all have our vices.

    Why don't you try electric ciggies? A few friends have switched over. Plus safe around IQ and no stinky smoke :) And yummy flavours!x

  2. Try not to beat yourself up about it too much. When I got pregnant with Freddie I vowed never to smoke again, but on my first big night out after having him I ended up having one, and then one more... And then10 more! I was so annoyed, but then I thought that as long as it wasn't often and I never smoke around the children, then there are worse things. I have a few on a night out every now and again and don't smoke during the day. Maybe try and limit them until iq is in bed and have them as a 'treat' until you feel ready (if you do) to quit? Really feel for you, it's hard!


    1. Thanks Beckingtons! I think I was being a little too hard on myself! I have started smoking in the day but I'm kind of using it as an excuse to go outside and have 5 mins to myself! I'd never smoke around her so I can't be doing anything too terrible. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gave in :)